The GOOD, The BAD and My Downright UGLY!

The GOOD...

For those who have been following my posts, you know I generally try to stay positive. This has been a work in progress as I have a history of being negative about almost everything. Seeing the glass half full has allowed me to enjoy more from life and to appreciate even the smallest of "perfect" moments.

When I was first told of Caden's brain injury, life came crashing down for me but the shock of it all hadn't sunk in until much later. It was when I saw Caden's triplet siblings progress ahead of him, that I realized despite them being the same age they were in very different places. Nonetheless, I believed Caden would develop at his own pace and with his brother and sister as a driving force of inspiration, Caden would become a "typical" little boy someday.

As time passed and I saw the "typical" world around Caden develop while my son stayed behind, I realized that the idea of Caden doing what his "typical" peers were doing was not in the cards. It took a long time to except this, but I have and I am good. 

Caden has brought more joy to my life than I could ever have imagined. Despite the many struggles, set backs and defeats, his strength has inspired me in ways I never knew possible. As I have expressed before, I am better because of him and this is GOOD.

The BAD...

However, I am human. As much as I try to stay positive, whether through my writing or general attitude, I too, have my BAD days. When Caden first began therapy at eight months old, I would watch the other children around him and often wonder where my son would be one day. Would he be like the little girl taking steps on her own or the boy using a walker? Or would he be like the older child who can do very little at all? It scared me to think that one second of Caden's life (the moment of the brain bleed), could lead to so many frightening possibilities. I remember crying at many physical and occupational therapy sessions because of my feeling of loneliness and sense of doubt. It was then that I began to live in the "now" and brush aside trying to imagine where life would take us down the road.

I remember feeling angry, jealous and bitter of "typically" developing children and their parents. I constantly compared Caden to "typical" children. "Wow, that baby can do that and Caden can't even..." or "I really wish Caden could do what that little boy the same age can do." I resented the norm because I had three developmentally delayed children at the time. I threw away all the baby books or "What To Expect In the First Year" type of books. They only frustrated and upset me more.

Eventually I watched Emily develop into a typical little toddler girl. Ethan, although delayed, learned to walk and talk and play as any three year old would. But Caden is still physically where a four month old should be. When Caden first started going to the pediatrician, the doctor would tell me Caden was behind in this and that. Now, the pediatrician doesn't even look at those milestone charts anymore as if to say there is no hope for Caden to ever make his way onto one of those "typical" charts.

I no longer compare Caden to "typical" children. I have gracefully accepted the fact that he is not nor will ever be "typical". Caden is special in more ways than I had ever imagined and I cherish the little gift I have been given.

This is not to say that I never get jealous of "typical" families or "typical" children. I often ask "Why?" and often think the dreaded "It's not fair". I question, scream and yell at God. I cry myself to sleep. I know I should not feel this way and I must embrace the gifts I've been given, but I am human and some days I just want run. And when I feel this way...I feel BAD.

My Downright UGLY...

When I started this blog I promised to be honest and speak from my heart. My heart hurts today. This is for no particular reason but I woke up, after a rough night of little sleep, feeling sad. Maybe it's the miserable weather or maybe hormones are going haywire but I ache today. Today is a day where I want to throw things, kick things and run away. Obviously none of that will take place, but it is how I feel... today.

So here is my downright UGLY.

I no longer get jealous and compare Caden to "typical" children. It is unrealistic to do so. Now I find myself comparing Caden to other children who have special needs and are fighting battles of their own. Caden began therapy with a group of children similar in age and similar in abilities. I see these children doing things now I only dream Caden could do and I get angry. Yes...angry and jealous of "special" children who have their own battles and have sacrificed so much. I hate myself for having these feelings but I look at my little boy and only wish for the miracles many of these children have been given; taking that first step, saying "mommy" for the first time, rolling over, sitting up and playing. I am even jealous of the mother's who's little one's now hit and bite them because at least it shows initiative to do something. I would do anything to have Caden hit me because he didn't want to do something or was angry at me.

Instead my sweet little boy just lies there. He watches the other children in therapy more than he works himself. It is as if he has given up on himself and tries to live through the lives of others. Sometimes I wonder if he is jealous too, but then I see him smile at the other children as if saying to them "Good job. Keep up the good work". 

How can he not be angry? How can he not resent those who can do so much more than him? Why do I have these horrible feelings and yet, my sweet angel does not? I know there are so many other little children out there that have it so much worse and I have seen it first hand when Caden is at the hospital and yet, I still cry as if no one out there has it worse than Caden; or better yet, worse than me.

These are open and honest feelings that I have at times. Caden is perfect to me despite his limitations but it would be a lie to say I didn't wish for more for him. I just want a small miracle; nothing impossible, just one little step forward. I do not expect to wake up one day to find Caden chasing his brother or having a conversation with his sister. No, all I ask is to wake up one day and find Caden moving somehow, someway across the floor; or sitting for a few minutes on his own; or simply saying "mommy" and giving me a hug. Simple wishes, simple miracles I have witnessed from other children like Caden. 

This is my UGLY; jealous, bitter and angry at those who struggle and have their own limitations. I am not proud of these feelings and I know most will not understand, many will be offended, but maybe a few will relate; maybe a few of you understand these emotions and I hope you know you are not alone.

Tomorrow is a new day and I hope to see the grass as green on my side as that of my neighbors. Maybe tomorrow his miracle will happen. This is the hope that keeps me going; the hope that I hold on to. Yes...tomorrow will be a wonderful day filled with magic, memories and moments because miracles do happen.