I always envisioned my pursuit of having children as though I were running down a hallway towards a door. This door would open up to a world where I would have my family. As years passed and I remained childless, the hallway grew longer and the door further away. When I closed my eyes it felt like something out of a Twilight Zone movie. I could see this door but no matter how hard I tried to reach it, I could never seem to get there.
And then one day....BAM!!! Not only did I reach the door, I slammed right into it. Having a baby for the first time is scary enough but finding out you're having triplets is down right terrifying. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic but the thought of being responsible for three little lives just like that, scared the "#@%&" out of me.
So the day came and I was finally able to walk through the door into a world I have longed for most of my life. As a young girl, I always pictured this world full of children running, laughing and playing. A world of trips and adventures, quiet family moments and everything in between.
The door opened, but what I saw was completely different. This is not to say that the moments I have envisioned do not exist but they exist in a very different way. The view from beyond the door has been much more frightening than I had expected. There are far more strangers than I had thought there would be. Far more doctors, hospitals, procedures, needles, insurance companies, pharmacies, medications, private duty nurses and therapists than I had imagined. It is as if I walked through this door and was immediately standing on the edge of a cliff not knowing for the life of me what I should do.
What could I do? I knew I couldn't turn back or start over. I didn't want to. My dream, although be it different, had come true. However, I felt as if everything I was being told about Caden and everything that was happening to him was slowly pushing me off this cliff.
What I did see were the possibilities on the other side. I saw my three beautiful children growing, learning and becoming amazing people. I saw the future and knew I had to help my family get there.
So this journey began with the slow descent down this medical mountain. I have been battered and bruised along the way but my son has felt more. His trip has taken its toll on him. As strong as he is, it has weakened him some. He has scars, both physical and emotional, to show for it.
I am not sure if we have reached the bottom yet. I, unfortunately, don't believe we have. My son's health continues to fluctuate and we still don't have many answers. We may have to continue down before we can begin to climb, but we will persevere and slowly make our way to the other side.
There have been and will continue to be setbacks. We will often be steered in the wrong direction by those we thought we could trust. Caden will occasionally fall. But we have hope. Despite the blood, sweat and tears, we have hope. Caden, through his strength and determination, will look every challenge in the eye. He will face his enemies and he will defeat them. I have to believe this. It is what keeps me going. I will hold his hand through the entire journey and will never let go. I will carry him when he is weakest as he will carry me when I begin to lose hope.
I do believe in my heart that one day we will reach the other side. And oh, when we do......