MOVING FORWARD...

Thinking back to the day when I first learned of Caden's brain injury, I remember, well to be honest...I remember very little. I watched the doctor's face as she rambled on about what we need to start doing with Caden in order to give him the best opportunity for success and all the while, I was feeling numb. This couldn't be happening; not to me. This happens to other people; I have a plan and this is NOT part of it.

Over time the initial shock wore off and I began going through the stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although these stages are generally reserved for those who have lost a loved one, parents of children who have special needs go through a similar course, but in a different way. I am not sure I have completely made it through this process, but the heavy heartache of knowing my son will never be able to do the things typical children do, has slowly begun to lift.

At first I was in denial. "How can this be happening to me after all I have been through trying to get pregnant in the first place?". "Haven't I been through enough?". "NO...he'll be fine. Look at him. He looks fine. Caden will get better. You'll see... and he will be able to do everything his brother and sister will do." "Besides, Caden was the strongest during my pregnancy. He was my Belly Bully."  Yes, I truly believed he would be fine and the brain injury would just go away.

Thinking back, this was a very selfish phase. Yes, my heart ached for this little baby who I hadn't even gotten to know yet, but I had just been through a horrible pregnancy and now this was getting thrown at me. Of course, I am no longer in denial and I am grateful for that.

I am still angry but not as angry as I once was. I was mad at God. I didn't understand how He could do this to my son; to my my beautiful, precious, innocent little boy. I was angry and jealous of others with "typical" children. I believed their lives were so much easier than mine and it just wasn't fair. I am still angry but not just for what my son goes through everyday but for ALL the children. The last few years have opened my eyes to the world of sick and special needs children. It is a world I wish didn't exist but one that is more beautiful than anything I have ever seen.

I will never stop bargaining. Why should I? My husband and I would both sacrifice our lives in a heartbeat to give Caden the opportunity to do the things his brother and sister can do; to give him his health. I know this is not an option but I will never stop bargaining.

I often feel sad but I don't allow myself the time to be depressed. I think this is where starting this blog comes in. I needed an outlet and a way to express my feelings and I have found it in my writing. My blog has allowed me to open myself up to the world and in return has allowed the most amazing world into mine. I am less lonely now because I have found others who grieve and cry for their little ones, who inspire to make the world a better, kinder place and who advocate and fight with all their might for their little superheros. 

Acceptance...I am slowly finding my way and I love it. There is a sense of peace here. Acceptance is place where you can let go and start living again. It has allowed me to embrace Caden's demons and turn them into useful tools to hopefully help others. As I have said before, I live in the "now" and am happy here. It is acceptance that allowed me to scream in sheer delight when Caden army crawled backwards the other day. No...he didn't do it right and he should be walking, but he did something I have never seen him do before and I was the proudest mommy in the world. I have accepted what I can not change and, although I will always wish for Caden to be like other toddlers, I couldn't imagine Caden as any one other than the perfect little boy he is.

I have learned that it is okay to have bad days and there are days where I find myself back in denial, but I can move away from these emotions when I look at the beautiful boy in front of me. A boy who has inspired a world and has done more in his short life than many do in their lifetime. I have turned these emotions into positive energy; a force which drives me to fight for him and other children like him; a passion to do good and a spirit to live.

Click on the following link to watch the You Tube video:

Caden and his sister, Emily, singing their hearts out