THE CHASE

I have written about the endless hallway I ran down for so long as I struggled with infertility.  I reached the door and arrived at the other side. Lately, I feel I am running down a new hallway.  A very different one from the other; one much more terrifying.

This hallway has many twists and turns.  It is much darker, foggier and confusing.  I am running faster than I ever have before.  Running, holding my little, weak, frightened boy.  I'm holding on to him with every bit of strength I can  muster.  We are running from something and for a long time didn't know what. But today I know.  What is chasing my son is his own mortality.  Death is slowly catching up to him and I run to keep him safe from this "monster".

This time, I can not rest.  I can not take a break or catch my breath for fear that this "monster" will catch him. I fear I may stumble or get lost, but I must keep going, holding ever so tightly to my son.  My arms are tired from his limp body, my shoulders hurt from carrying the weight of the world.  I no longer feel my legs or even understand what I am doing, but I keep going.

This hallway has many doors at first but as I run the doors become more sparse.  These doors represent all of the doctors and therapists my son has seen.  At times, we have been able to take refuge behind one of these doors.  We have a moment of hope and possibility.  But then we close our eyes for a brief moment only to find ourselves back in the hall being chased with the door locked behind us.  There are less doors now, less doctors left to see, but I stop at each door and hope that just one of them will let us in and keep Caden safe.  These doors have words on them like HOPE, PROMISE, POSSIBILITIES, MIRACLES, ANSWERS, but they are all locked.  I struggle to open each one.  Why won't they open?  Why won't they let my son in?  I am willing to stay outside and let the "monster" chase me.  Just let him in.

I fear this "monster" is catching up to him.  I fear the day there are no more doors to try.  I am tired, he is weak but we will keep running.  With every last bit of me, I will keep him safe, protect him and fight.  I will not let this "monster" defeat him.  Somewhere, there is that one last door that is open wide, welcoming my son.  A place with hope where miracles can happen.