BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...even in my SLEEP!

Birth day for preemie parents is quite different from the "norm".  I barely got a glimpse of my three tiny babies before they were quickly taken away from me and whisked off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  I spent what seemed like an eternity in post op and then after four hours, was wheeled into the NICU to see my children through little plastic cages.  We could not hold them or touch them.  Just to enter the NICU you had to scrub up as though you were a brain surgeon preparing for surgery.  There is nothing warm or kind about a NICU. They are loud with the sounds and beeps of every monitor known to man.  Parents sit next to the isolettes staring through the window trying to catch a glimpse of their tiny newborn amid the oxygen devices, heart monitors and I.V.'s.

I was discharged 5 days later and had to leave my little ones behind.  We came home to an empty house, empty cribs and empty hearts.  The bond a mother should instantly feel with her new baby does not exist immediately for the mother of a NICU preemie.  I was able to spend about an hour a day with my children and if lucky, hold them for a short time.  But mostly, I just watched as doctors and nurses worked to keep my babies alive.

We were able to hold Caden for the first time when he was 5 days old.  The NICU nurse gently placed him in our arms and untangled his many wires.  It was the first time we were allowed to hold one of our babies and a moment I will never forget.

As routine protocol for all babies born at less than 32 weeks, my three were given head ultrasounds at one week old.  The next day Caden's doctor sat us down and we immediately knew something was wrong.  She told us Caden had a brain bleed.  It was mild (grade 1) but the bleed could mean he may someday have a mild learning disorder.  We were devastated.  Thinking back I have to laugh.  What I wouldn't do for him to have nothing more than a mild learning disorder.

Caden was the strongest of our three in utero.  As a matter of fact, I nicknamed him my "Belly Bully" because he took up so much space leaving very little room for the other two to grow.  His Apgar scores at birth were excellent and he was the first to take a bottle by mouth.  He was also the first baby to come home.  At seven weeks old, Caden was discharged from the hospital.  However, just prior to discharge he had a brain MRI to see if there was anymore damage.  And this became the day his journey began.

Caden's brain bleed had progressed to a grade 3 (severe) which almost never happens and he had significant PVL (white matter loss).  We were told that he may develop cerebral palsy and that with extensive therapy, he should still be able to reach milestones although he would be delayed in doing so.  Again, what I wouldn't give for that to be the truth.

Caden came home on oxygen and an apnea monitor so the beeps and wires we so dreadfully hated in the NICU found their place in our home.  Nonetheless, our first baby was home and we were slowly beginning to feel like the parents we had longed to be.  Two weeks later, Emily arrived home.  She came home wire free but weighing less than 5 pounds.  Ethan

struggled to breathe on his own and therefore, spent the most time in the NICU.  He was the smallest of the three and was the one doctors were most concerned with in utero.  But on Tuesday, November 23, 2010, our family was finally complete. Ethan, with his oxygen tank and apnea monitor, came home after spending thirteen weeks in the NICU.  Two days later we celebrated Thanksgiving.  Although it had been a rough start and we knew we had a long road ahead, we had so much to be thankful for.